Why is Paula Dean not dead yet?

Posted on December 10th, 2008 by fizzle in Randomness

I happen to enjoy Food Network. Perhaps it is because I am such a manly man, or because it is the home of my future wife Rachel Ray, or just because I’m a fat guy who likes food. Whatever the reason is, I watch it somewhat regularly. One show I do not watch, however, is any show Paula Dean is a part of.  However, I have watched her show(s) on a few occasions, and I must say, Jesus Christ woman, what are you doing still alive?

I mean seriously, this woman can cook. She is from the deep south, as if it’s not obvious from her voice, and like all deep south women, she loves fattening foods. Sure, I partake in my fair share of fatty foods, burgers, fries, etc etc, but nothing like this. This shit is insane.

She must have the best genes in the history of the entire god damn world, because any normal human being consuming this amount of fat, cholesterol, and an obscenely high caloric content in everything she touches would have had a heart attack, stroke, and another heart attack, just for the hell of it. Not to mention they would weigh over 900 pounds. Paula is no Kate Moss by any means, but her figure certainly does not reflect the fact that she puts 9 pounds of butter into a simple breakfast consisting of eggs benedict, toast, and deep fried bacon. Mmmmm… Bacon.

At any rate, what the hell is she doing that has caused her to live thus far? I can’t see her exercising all that much, not just because of the fact that she probably can’t run for more than 3 and a half seconds, but because she’s a food network personality with 18 different shows, going out of town every other day for this and that, when the hell would she have time?

So, I beg of you Paula Dean, what is your secret? You eat 450,000 calories a day, and 86 grams of saturated fat to wash it down. Not to mention the sodium and all that other crap, and you’re still relatively healthy, as far as the public knows. Healthy enough to stand for 10 minutes without getting winded, which I can barely do on my 50,000/day calorie diet. So what is it? Are you even human? Were you born in a vat of crisco topped with kosher salt? What the hell?

We ask because we are concerned for you Paula. Concerned that you will not live to see the day they invent a deep fried potato chip wrapped in bacon, deep fried again, ground up and used as frosting on a cheesecake. Please tell us!

Tags: calories, cholesterol, fatty food, food network, heart attack, paula dean

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