Why God hates Michigan
Posted on December 18th, 2008 by fizzle in Randomness
Why does $deity hate Michigan? Nobody is really sure. One thing that is for sure though, is that $deity does in fact hate Michigan, moreso than the rest of the north-east, upper mid-west, whatever the hell you want to call the region the mitten sits in, $deity hates it.
Why do I say this? Well here’s some facts. Right now it’s December 18th, 2008, and in about 3-4 hours, we’re expecting 6-10 inches of snow. In SOUTHERN Michigan, Detroit to be exact. Sure, it’s winter, it’s Michigan, we’re all used to it. But we’re only used to it because $deity has been kicking Michigan’s ass for so long, we don’t know what normal is.
I’ll tell you what’s normal, normal is a high of no more than 90 in the summer, with no more than 40% humidity. Normal is no less than 40 in the dead of night in the dead of winter. All my life I have lived as a Michigan resident, with the exception of a year and a half or so when I had the privilege of living in San Diego, California. Let me tell you, San Diego defines normal. Michigan defines bat-shit insane. Sure, the terminator is the governor, OJ Simpson lived there before prison, and its chock-full of totally radical surfer dudes, California wins the race of awesome.
At any rate, Michigan fails the race of awesome, hard. And because $deity him/her/itself has a personal vendetta against the entire state. Why does Michigan’s lower peninsula look like a mitten? Well, because the entire lower half of the state is trying to flip $deity off for all the crap he/she/it dumps on it. It’d be inappropriate to show maps and globes and satellite images with an entire state shaped like the middle finger, so it decided to be nice and put a mitten on it.
And why does the upper peninsula of Michigan look like a rabbit, freely frolicking about what used to be gorgeous fields and meadows in Michigan? Because it actually is a rabbit, but it froze it’s ass off right there trying to jump over lake superior and has not moved since. What a world huh?
I’m going to go get myself a barrel of hot chocolate. some tums, a few blankets, and a bucket of ice just for the hell of it, in preparation for this mega-storm $deity is about to kung-fu chop Michigan in the throat with. Remember next time you have it rough in your state. $deity still loves you, he/she/it fucking despises Michigan.
December 18th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Plus you have the Lions
December 18th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Touche.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
barry, how’ve u been?