Why buying a real christmas tree is stupid
Posted on December 6th, 2008 by fizzle in Rants
It’s getting to be that time again. Time for milk and cookies, buying people you don’t even like something that you hope they will hate, fat guys coming down chimneys after landing his flying rodent’s on household roofs across America. It’s Christmas time! One of the most popular things for an American (and presumably, most other nations that celebrate Christmas in one way or another) is to chop down a big ass tree, put it in your living room, throw some funky-colored lights on it, maybe some really thin glass balls, usually some annoying ass shiny string that you end up pulling out of your cats ass after he tries to move it through his lower intestines and fails.
Where did this ridiculous tradition come from? Who cares, google it, that’s not the point of this post. The point is that now, in 2008, I’d venture to say that fake Christmas trees are more popular than their nature-made brethren. I know I haven’t had a real Christmas tree in my house in probably almost 20 years or so. Here’s why:
Fake trees are way more convenient:
With a fake tree, you take it out of a box from the comfort of your own closet, basement, or garage, stick the branches into the main trunk, decorate, and call it a day. Maybe drink some eggnog, if you’re into sucking down disgusting tar-milk just because you might get a buzz from it.
With a real tree, you actually have to leave the house and go find a place selling trees. Once you get there, you’ll no doubt be run into between the knees and the belt by any one of the 58 little sons of bitches running around apparently without parental supervision of any kind whatsoever. Then you have to browse through the rows and rows and rows of near dead trees, to find one that all the other stupid people missed when picking out there tree. To hell with that.
What’s that? You want that nice tree? Ok, $84 please. What?! True, you can find real Christmas trees for under 30, but they usually represent a 60 year old who has just kicked heroin for the 19th time, they aren’t looking so great. So you get your tree, and … wait, fuck. I have to put a tree in my car? Ok, uhh…how bout the roof… No string? God damn it, I really need to start carrying twine with me. Oh, you’ll sell me some for $4 per foot? No thanks chief. Once you finally get your tree into your trunk, or on your roof, or you just decide to go to wal-mart and get a fake one, you find yourself glued to whatever you just touched your hands too, care of the nice sticky sap in your beautiful real, living, almost breathing tree.
Fake trees don’t die
Think about it, real grandma, or fake grandma? Real goldfish, or fake goldfish? Shit yeah, I’m taking the one that doesn’t die. With a real tree though, the god damn needles fall around everywhere. Then your cat eats a few of them, and next thing you know you’re picking something else out of your cat’s ass, wishing that you had bought the fake, never dies, never knocks anything over or sits on your laptop constantly, cat. Then the thing turns brown and generally begins to smell like a bag of smashed ass. Picking up all of those needles is a pain in the ass no matter what your method is. Vacuums are basically rendered completely useless, and you’ll end up with more needles on your broom than bristles after trying to sweep. Of course if you try to just scoop them up with your hands you’ll end up looking like you just got jumped for your new shoes by a gang of punk ass porcupines. Any way you look at it, it sucks.
Fake trees don’t need water
I have a cat and a dog. Oh, and two kids. I have enough living things to look after. In our house we have a couple fake plants, fake foliage, etc. Know why? Because we would ultimiately forget to water it, and then it would die, and it would be a waste of money. Now, a Christmas tree is sort of different in that it invades your entire living room, kicks your ass out of your favorite chair cuz there just isn’t any room for it anymore, and that’s the only place the tree will fit. So it’s kind of hard to forget to water your new chlorophyllic overlord since it’s staring you down all the time saying “I win. You lose.”. Or is it… Even if you do remember to water it, that in itself is a pain in the ass. Who want’s to get down on their knees while trying not to knock down ornaments, or step on the cats tail since he decided to lick one of the light bulbs and is now rather…stuck…in the tree? Not me. After watering it of course, you’ll have to clean up the mess that your ungrateful little bastard of a house-guest left on the floor after not sucking up all the water you just so generously gave to it.
Buy once, use many. Buy many, use once
Thats fake tree:real tree, in that order. I’ve seen fake trees going for ridiculous prices, sure. But on average, a decent fake christmas tree will go for about 40-80 bucks. Which is what a decent christmas tree will run you. So who cares? It’s the same price, big deal. Well, you’re forgetting one major factor there, captain short-term memory loss: You can’t use that same real tree next year. Nor can you go back to where you bought the tree with the trees shriveled up carcass and ask for a new one because yours died. No sir, you spend that money once on a real tree, and its use has expired a month later.
However, with a fake tree, you can use it for as long as it lasts, usually at least 5-10 years. Let’s do some math… 7 years at 50 bucks once per year is $350 total. For a tree. A tree that you use for a month or less. Orrrrrrrrrrrr.,, 60 bucks (yeah, i increased it for this one!) over 7 years. Once. Who likes a $290 savings? I do.
The only good thing about real christmas trees
The only good thing about real christmas trees, as far as I’m concerned, is the smell. That is, of course, if you like the piney, woodsy smell of a christmas tree. I happen to love it, and so it works out quite nicely. It’s like walking into a house where somebody is cooking pancakes or bacon or something really pungant and carries some memories with it. The smell could be rather obnoxious to your nose, and in that case, chalk up another one for why real Christmas trees are stupid.
So what inspired this article?
I’m sitting here, out of my normal seat, getting stared down and laughed at by a big 8 foot tree, complete with needles attacking me every step I take in it’s direction. I have 3 fake trees. So why the hell do I have a real tree? Well because I have a job, and my significant other got bored while I was at work and decided to set up the christmas tree. After failing to find a simple part of our massive fake tree, and failing to like our other 2 smaller trees, she went to home depot and got one for like 30 bucks. At least she’s good at finding a deal I suppose.
So that’s it. There’s probably many more reasons why real trees suck ass and should be outlawed from display or usage in your private residence, but these are the ones that really matter. I’ll be introducing a bill to congress shortly addressing the matter of real Christmas trees in the homes of Americans, so make sure you vote yes on Prop. 923: For the eradication of annoying things from households.
Tags: christmas trees, fake trees, holiday season, real trees
