[Movie] Boogeyman
Posted on March 1st, 2005 by Franco Caution in Reviews
Hi everyone!
Im sure all five people who read my work were wondering just were did that guy go?
The answer.Spain. I moved to Spain. And I just now got back because Spain doesnt have any movie theaters(fun fact!!), and also I ran out of money.
Well, after what Im sure seemed a break and a half from writing anything, I was contacted once again by the friendly and very attractive 151, and asked to pick up my reviewing sword, and once again rule the lands.
Looking back at my then recent review of Footloose, it dawned on me that Ive been out of the game for a while. I hope everyone is understanding, seeing as it has been a while since Ive attempted one of these.
Once back from Spain, me and the Movie Funtimes Group(MFTG) decided that we were going to have to change some policy stuff around. We all came to the realization that we just cant see EVERYTHING anymore. It was just costing us all too much money. In the summers from like 1987 through 2002, we would go to the movies 4 times a week, and if it fucking existed, we fucking saw it. Well, that shit had to change, because to be honest, it was ruining us. The sheer amount of shit and garbage we were being subjected to was ruining the one thing we lovedseeing films.
So, it was decided that from now on we were only seeing things that somewhat looked like they might end up being at least average. If you have been watching TV lately and seeing trailers, then it will become pretty obvious that at this time, the MFTG is on a super long break.
But dont fear internet friends! This story does have a happy ending, and you do get a review. Some of us still believe in wholesome American activities like downloading movies, as well as occasionally going to theaters while drunk to watch whatever is showing at that time because its like 10:30PM and youre not really hungry enough to challenge a Village Inn skillet just yet.
This is one of those times. The setting was a boring Friday night a few weeks ago. I was just sitting around watching porn bloopers, when I got a call from some OGs I went to high school with.
Hey man, we are going to see Boogeyman. You should come. It might be good.
I looked around the room for naked girls or half finished joints hoping they could provide me with an alternative to seeing such a film as boogeyman. In sadness, I found neither and decided to just go get drunk and suffer through Boogeyman like a real man would in the spirit of spending time with good friends.
So a few brews later, and look who it is, good old 9:00PM! I guess now is as good of time as any to describe how this situation is different that normal MFTG situations. Being antisocial assholes, we dont like to see movies with other people. So, Tuesday night has become MFTG night. That way at the most, there will maybe be 5 other people in the theater. Oh, and our theater still takes College IDs on Tuesday making movies lots cheaper.
Well, as I said above in the story, this is a FRIDAY NIGHT!
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IN HELL WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE TONIGHT?… I said to myself as I got in line behind what seemed to be 10 thousand random people who I would NAPALM if ever given the chance. So I sat there and listened to everyday people talk to each other in their boring ways for what seemed an eternity. Well, 35 minutes later, it was my turn finally.
Id like one ticket for the ultra scary and totally cool PG-13 horror movie Boogeyman please!!
that will be 7.75
7.75 folks!!! Thats 2 dollars more than Im used to paying. I was pissed. This movie better not fuck me I said under my breath as I walked into the theater. Fully knowing that Ive said that exact statement some 2000000 times in the past, and that later on, I would most definitely be getting fucked.
Wow, I just now realized that Im about 2 pages into this beast, and I havent even started the review. Actually, after I finish, youll wish I never started the review. I swear to god it is that bad. But regardless of that, let us get down to business.
To be honest, as a child, I was never really scared of the boogeyman. The idea of some dumb creature guy who comes out of my closet and haunts me didnt really do it for me as a child. I was more scared of some escaped serial killer finding his way into my room and waiting for me in the closet. Or getting kidnapped on the way home from school and being forced to have sex with a 45 year old man. Now those situations are fucking scary! But I guess Im not everyone. And thats why this movie was made.
Checking IMDB, you will be treated with a bit of info about this particular film.
Tagline: You thought it was a just a story… but it’s real.
Boogeyman stars Barry Watson as Tim Jenson. If you dont know who Barry Watson is at this time, I can assure you that in a few seconds you will. Barry Watson is what 13 year old girls refer to as a hunk or one super fine man hottie. In his spare time, while taking a break from being hot, he chooses to star in the award caliber TV show 7th Heaven. If you havent been treated to an episode of 7th Heaven in your life, I suggest you set a half hour aside and do it. Check PAX and WB and all those other lammo channels, and Im sure youll find it. Not only will you be treated with brilliant writing and story telling, but you will also get to see our man, Barry Watson in his full glory.
I will now include a huge picture of him so that while reading this review you can scroll back to the picture and realize just how much more awesome this guy is than you are. Enjoy.
Someone said to himself, this Barry Watson guy is awesome. He is exactly what I am looking for in the lead role for a horror film aimed at 12 year olds. Get him on the phone pronto!!
And thats just what they did.
Boogeyman has other people in it, but Im not going to mention them because to be honest with you, the movie didnt even really take the time to mention them. They just kinda showed up here and there. And when something from the past needed explaining, they just had that new random character fill in the audience with a couple of lines.
It was seriously that bad.
Hello random girl, I am glad you are ridding your horse outside my house for no reason and then fell off. What is that you say now? You and me were the best of friends and we were always together all the time as kids even though all the scenes of me, the main character from the beginning of the story show me and only me all by myself. I know its been 24 years and I moved away and all, buts lets carry on like we were 6 again ok?
Im getting fucking tired of these so called masters of horror just attaching their names to these shit projects in order to draw more peoples attention to them. Wes Craven is only the master of overdoing things, ruining them, and pretty much general sucking. Same goes for John Carpenter and the likes. Stop putting your names on things. You arent fooling anyone.
This time around, it is the now famous Sam Raimi. Who wants us to know that he, the director of Evil Dead, thinks Boogeyman is awesome, and he would not only produce it, but recommend it to you!!! Fuck you Sam Raimi. Go back to fucking models on top of piles and piles of your Spiderman money. Stop trying to trick people into further expanding your money pile.
Though the movie was only an hour and 26 minutes long, I swear it seemed like I watched Casablanca, Ben Hur, and the entire LOTR trilogy back to back when it was all said and done.
Stephen T. Kay directed this masterpiece and decided that shit like shaky camera shots, CG monsters, and loud noises are far more scary then actual scary situations. So for an hour and some change, you are treated to countless cheap scare tactics. Over and fucking over again.
I am personally getting really tired with the whole cheap scare genre that is currently ruling Hollywood. Grudge, Ring, this, etc.
We had to suffer through the Scream type movies for 6 years, and now we have this crap instead.
Look out behind you, its about to get really loud and a CG monster is sure to appear somewhere! SO SCARY!
There are some hot hot hot PG-13 rubbing and kissing scenes and an awesome bathtub scene where they go out of the way to get 13 year olds dicks hard, yet show nothing but a knee, the top of a breast, and an arm on a completely naked girl.
Nice.
Then we do the normal formula where guy goes back to house when he shouldnt. random characters show up and wander through the house in the dark when they shouldnt. Rinse and Repeat. Youve seen it all before.
Im fucking done here. If you hate spoilers, dont read below.
Everyone.if for some reason your parents ever give you a toy that looks like a large G.I Joe doll, only it is a wrinkly and skinny crack-head guy with AIDS.break the thing into a million pieces and burn it. Because it turns out that doll is actually a boogeyman, capable of coming to life in CG form. He will make loud noises and the next thing you know your house will be filled with swooping camera shots and cheap scares in full CG splendor.
Fuck this movie. Fuck the director, the producers, and the even the caterers. If for some reason you personally liked this film and plan to say shit on message boards or out in public like you know it wasnt that bad guys, then fuck you too. I hope you have your dicks chopped off and then fed to you with a shovel.
Stop seeing this shit and buying it on DVD. There is no directors cut anymore, so dont buy into it. I myself was pissed I supported this piece of shit and lost 7.75
I made sure to Download 45 movies later that night to counterbalance what I just did.
Final Rating.. 0 CG stars out of a possible 5 loud thumping CG stars.
Tags: boogeyman, franco caution, movie review
