Five reasons to roll your own cigarettes

Posted on December 3rd, 2008 by fizzle in Randomness

#1. You save a ton of money

Lets crunch some numbers here, shall we? Average cost of a pack of non-generic nasty ass, might as well smoke roasted poop, run of the mill cigarettes across the country is, what, $5.75 per pack? $6 per pack? Right around there, on a national average at least. Anyway, here’s what it costs to roll your own cigarettes:


Decent Rolling Machine: $50

I suggest Premier brand rolling machines, and dont cheap out on this one either. This will make or break your rolling career. You can get a pile of shit, plastic, hong-kong made rolling machine at your local 7-11 for $3.50, but it’s going to annoy the hell out of you, and your decision to start rolling your own cigarettes will go out the window much alike your decision to quit smoking altogether did on January 3rd of every year for the past 10. Do not skimp on the rolling machine!

Bag/Can of tobacco: +/- $20.00/lb

A pound of tobacco. Now that doesn’t sound like a lot, right? Well it is. I buy Blackjack Menthol tobacco, and it costs me $18.99+ tax. OMG! Taxes you say!?! Yes, tax, as in sales tax. Not 800%. 6% for Michigan. So about 20 bucks worth of your favorite, tasty, fresh tobacco will net you about 2 and a half cartons of pre-rolled cigarettes. Pre-rolled by you, of course.

Tubes: +/- $2.00 per carton

This is the heart of the whole operation, the tubes. They are pre-rolled (by the factory!) papers, with filters already stuck in them. I personally enjoy Premier Brand Menthol tubes myself. 1 Carton of these, or 200 cigarettes, will put a $2.00 dent in your wallet, and will double as a great place to keep your pre-rolled cigarettes while in the freezer.

So, that’s a total of $25 for 2.5 cartons of cigarettes, or one seriously hard earned dollar, for a pack of great tasting, fresh, gorgeously rolled cigarettes. You want more math you say? You’re not convinced yet? A pack a day = $365 per year rolling your own. A pack a day while buying them at the store: $2098.75. I know you can do this math all on your own: 2098.75>365. By $1,733.75. C’mon, I’m sure you can find a better use for that money. Feel free to spend the extra 75 cents on a lighter at the gas station.

#2. A cool ass case

Reason number 1 of 5, in no particular order, that you smokers out there should roll your own cigarettes, is this cool ass case. It’s nothing short of badass, if I say so myself. Just look at the thing, you can kill yourself twice as fast with it, fill it up with some Wild Turkey, or Jamesson, or whatever your favorite 80 proof or more beverage is, and you can swig while you puff. There are plenty of other kinds of cigarette cases, styles, shapes, sizes, colors, materials, uppers, downers, all arounders, etc etc. Personally, I have a poker related case, with the King of Diamonds on the front of a silver case. It’s pretty nice, and it was like 5 bucks.

Alternatively, you can just grab empty packs from your non-roll-their-own friends. They probably won’t even realize it since they’re so stupid that they’re still buying regular old store-bought cigarettes.

#3. It might be…healthier?

The following content is my opinion only. I am probably full of shit, and I have absolutely no facts or evidence to back-up any claims made herein.

That said, I have to imagine that there are less chemicals, carcinogens, and other harmful materials in regular bagged or canned tobacco than pre-rolled cigarettes. Sure, saying that smoking the cigarettes that you physically rolled yourself is healthier than buying cigarettes that were rolled by any one of probably hundreds of half million dollar machines is about the same as saying something along the lines of “Getting shot with a regular bullet is less painful than getting shot with a hollow-point. But to me, it just makes sense. I’m sure that smoking your own rolled cigarettes will give you the same cancer that will kill you the same way, but here’s my theory: Since it’s “cleaner”, your cancer death will be slightly less… horrific, dare I say. Perhaps even to the point where you can continue your awesomely terrible habit while undergoing chemo and radiation therapy, while toting your Oxygen canister everywhere you go, including the cigarette store.

#4. Conversation Starter

Now think about this one. It can and will happen in many ways. Such as when you’re in the back alley behind your office building puffing away at one of your hard earned handmade in America cigarettes, and some random homeless guy comes up to you and asks to bum a cigarette. 9 times out of 10 this random ass bum will see you bust out your fancy case as seen above in #2, and think that you’re just plain pimpin. Then he’ll see the rolled tip that looks like a joint, and think that you’re about to give him a joint. There’s nothing more entertaining than crushing the hopes and dreams of the homeless and otherwise financially disabled by way of making them think that they’re gonna be gettin wasted in a few minutes with a big fat doobie.

Then theres another scenario. You’re at the bar or wherever the hell it is you single people go to meet women, or men, and a member of your elite team of people that slowly kill themselves on purpose comes to the bar. This person is of course the opposite sex, and damn is she hot, or damn is he steamy. She or he asks you for a cigarette, because maybe that’s a pick-up line, I dunno. What happens next is like something out of a movie. You pull out your fancy engraved sterling silver cigarette case, flip it open, and hold it out to this gorgeous human being. It’s like you’re James fucking Bond or something, they will instantly become aroused and within the next 30 seconds, you’re pulling out because you were too busy rolling cigarettes to go grab some protection from your local 7-11. Protip: buy protection when you spend that extra 75 cents on a lighter.

#5. Pretend you’re a badass

Of course rolling your own cigarettes won’t make you a badass, you’ll also need an eye-patch and a raspy voice. But it’s definitely a step in the right direction. All I know is that when a person see’s somebody sit down and bust out a zig zag, take a pinch of a leaf-like substance and place it into the paper, roll, lick, and tighten… weird shit begins to happen. All of a sudden everybody is looking at you like you just don’t give a fuck about life. You’re a true badass, and you will not pay attention to rules, laws, ordinances, or matters in general. And with the fancy case you spent some of your $1733 dollars on, it’s confirmed. I bet James Dean rolled his own cigarettes. Or how bout Vick Mackey, if he smoked? Nobody fucks with Vick Mackey. Nobody. Johnny Dangerously probably would have rolled his own cigarettes too. Somebody messed with Johnny Dangerously once. Once.

So to wrap it up, you’ll be a pimpin badass with some extra cash in your pocket, who might die a slightly less than miserable death, but you won’t give a damn, because you had sex with over 4,000 beautiful women. Or men.

Tags: badassery, health, roll your own, smoking

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