Cross-country move, Part II

So here we are, just leaving the painted desert and the petrified forest, and all the Navajos whoring themselves out to sell rocks and wood and arrows and moccasins and deer balls and anything else they think a tourist will buy so they can open another casino. Hey look at that, another sign for indian jewelry. Great, just what I wanted, another feather hat to help with my saturday rain dances.

I swear to the good Lord almighty if I hear justin timberlake tell me how much he cant wait to fall in love me ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to punch through the radio, pull out some random ass wires, and electrocute myself until my eyeballs are smoking. And you, kelly clarkston, I don’t give a fuck where you strayed or did not stray. You son of a bitch. It’s time for a CD for the love of fuck.

But I digress, northeastern Arizona is pretty nice. Rocky but green at the same time. Hilly but not mountainy, as far as I can tell. We totally could have made it to albuquerque last night, we had drove through all the bad areas, it’s pretty much been a straight shot since we left. Oh well. We’re on the 40 East for like 850 miles, and I’d like to stop tonight at whatever highway is after the 40, that way we’d be a little over halfway done with our trip. So if we can do that, we’re looking at a solid 3 and a half days of driving, which aint bad considering how late we started yesterday.

Well I’ll be back if something interesting happens, perhaps maybe I’ll do some work now. Nah, probably not, nothing to do really. Well, plenty to do, but my back hurts, and I’m tired, so whatever. Later! I promise. Maybe.

Here we are about 40 miles west of albuquerque, not much has happened. Stopped once for a bathroom break and now we’re stopping again for gas for the god damned truck. 270 Miles to the tank. Ouchies. New mexico is a pretty awesome state. I could totally live here if it wasnt so damn rural. Growing up in Detroit, I need at least 2 liquor stores on every corner, and an electronics store (best buy, circuit city, etc) no more than 3 miles from wherever you are. I just couldnt do it. But it is pretty beautiful here. Weather is nice too, dead of summer and its only 86 degrees, not bad for a half-ass desert area. The red rocks are sweet too. Apparently we’re in Laguna. When we stopped in Gallop (awesome name for a town), I saw the sign for old highway 666. That brought back awesome mickey and mallory memories. Here we are at the gas station. Wee haw. Might as well fill er up.

In the middle of albuquerque, driving straight towards a big fucking mountain. Excellent. Boner (baby mamas dad) had a hissy fit about some random shit when we stopped for subway and took off, leaving us with the kid. We had a sweet hookup, no kid and no dog, cuz he had them both. Now…we got the kid. I love my son more than life itself, I really do, but I just have no patience at all these days. I’m already ready to just toss him out. He’s ok though, I’ll get over it. Subway was fucked, there was a bunch of drunk truckers and shit in there, causing a ruckus. Then the lady making our sandwiches was all pissy at her coworker cuz she didnt give her any apples or something, so she got all pissy with us, and ended up breaking my sandwich all to shit. Not to mention the little cup things that hold the meat (chipotle steak and cheese) were like, half filled, so she said she wouldnt charge me for double meat since She pretty much had to give me 4 cups (as opposed to the normal 2, for a 12″), but it just made the sandwich all huge and nasty. The chipotle sauce tasted like how garbage smells. Baby mama went into the bathroom and the toilet seat was all bloody, nice. However, she said it was a nice bathroom otherwise. What the hell? If I’m in a bathroom with a bloody toilet seat, I dont care if the mirrors are made of pure platinum and the towel dispenser gives me a handjob, I’m not gonna be in that bathroom anymore. We’re driving through a mountain now. Have I mentioned how much I dont like driving in/on/around/through/under/upside down/inside out of mountains? Well just a refresher, I don’t care for it a whole god damn lot.

I guess albuquerque is a nice little town, but its just that, a nice little town. I’m pretty sure we were in the ghetto though, so maybe its different in other parts. What’s up with the albuquerque skyline though? Its like 4 buildings higher than 6 stories and…a big ass mountain in the background. Not very awesome as far as a major city goes. I definitely already miss San Diego, a lot, but I dunno, shit happens for a reason, so maybe everything might just work out. If not, I’m moving right the fuck back. I don’t care if I have to pay 1400 a month for a 2 bedroom condo, I love it there, and thats what I now know as home. A few years ago I never saw myself leaving michigan, where I had lived for like, 24 years, all my life. But now that I’ve seen life outside of Michigan, I just can’t understand ever going back there. Especially with the economy the way it is now, even if I wasn’t a felon, I still wouldn’t be able to get a decent job there. But alas, here I am, on day 2 of a (hopefully only) 4 day drive, headed back to the mitten wasteland known as michigan. I’m gonna try and get some work done now, for serious. I’ll be back in a couple hundred miles.

Well I guess not. I’m as dumb as a fucking box of broken rocks, and forgot to get the backup of the -K database before I left. For a minute there I thought I could just look through my code and recreate all the tables and columns and everything, but yeah, fuck that. So I guess since I was smart enough to get a fresh copy of osCommerce downloaded, I can play around with some shit in there, writing some modifications for clients. I’m going to need to find a hotel with wireless tonight, or at the very least wired, with a best buy somewhere around so I can go buy some ethernet cable. Sometimes I wonder why people even let my dumb ass near technology. Giggity. Annnnnnnd Scratch that. I can’t install osCommerce locally. Son of a sloppycock bitchface ballsack.

We’re now about 20 miles inside the Texas panhandle. 6:51 pm, Central time, 91 degrees. We caught up with Boner because he needed gas, so of course he chills his ass out and waits for the people that are paying. Ballnose. Anyway, texas is one boring ass fucking state. Flat flat flat. I’m sure cities like Dallas and shit are cool and happenin and not as god awful boring as this place, but jesus christ what could there POSSIBLY be to do in this place? Cow tipping can only be fun for so long, what the fuck else would you do after that? Maybe everyone here just works on the farm and goes to sleep after eating a 72 ounce steak.

We’re gonna try and make it to Oklahoma City tonight, since we lost two hours because of time changes, thats gonna suck, because right now we’re about 300 miles away from the great OK, so that puts us there at about 11-12, assuming we only stop one more time, to eat dinner. I can’t wait to see what texas has in store for me for dinner, it better be as big as all those “everything is bigger in texas” commercials make it seem. Seriously though guys, if all of your radio stations are like this, I think I might have to hook up with Osama and blow this state away. Country, country, country, god, country, talk, country, country, mexican, god, country, fake ass rap from 15 years ago, country, god, and R Kelly type garbage. C’mon now. What happened to that chopped and screwed houston shit? I’m not a fan of it personally, but it would certainly be better than the noise they call music in these godforsaken flatlands. Wahhhhh my baby mama hates me wahhhh I’m a millionaire and my ape looking woman left me for another ape looking man, wahhh. Shut your stupid whiney fucking face you piece of shit.

No more of that, my blood pressure can’t take it. I’m glad we’re far the fuck away from any kinds of mountains. I hate mountains. As boring as straight flat freeways are, I’d take it 500 times before I drove anywhere near a mountain of any caliber. The old lady let me drive for about 200 or so miles through the rest of new mexico, it was pretty much just a straight shot with a big hill every few miles. Pretty uneventful. Maybe I’ll see claas and I can get Greggs shirt for him (inside joke), that would rule. We’re 27 miles west of amarillo. I want an armadillo. I’m going to try and find one and steal it. I can put it in the dog kennel while we’re driving. Then maybe in the trunk while we’re sleeping. How fucking cool would that be, to have a pet armadillo? I could feed it like pop tarts and shit, it would be the laziest armadillo in the history of armadillo farming, if armadillos have ever been farmed. I would have to get two actually, so I could breed them. I bet armadillos would be in high demand in southeast Michigan. I could sell them for like 1500 bucks each. I could buy my own street in Detroit and call it Armadillo Way. I sure can rant about random shit, probably thats why these are all going in the rants section of -K. Or maybe I’ll make a new section, called “Armadillo Farming How-To’s”. Oh jesus good lord, Ridin Dirty just came on the radio. I have a feeling this is like, breaking news for this radio station. They just got this single like last night. Fucks sake I get to hear all the garbage that was played out 6 months ago in the real world.

So here’s a fucked up story, I was driving, had the cruise control set at precisely 75, the speed limit, with my suspended license havin ass, and I see a cop in the median. No big deal, I’m doing the speed limit. So then like a tenth of a mile later theres a cop standing outside of his car flapping his wings like a bird. I don’t know what the fuck was going on, my only guess is he was telling us to slow down, but why, I have no idea. About a half a mile down on the other side of the freeway there was a cop like, escorting this big ass trailer that took up like 1.75 (out of 2) lanes, so maybe that was why? I have no idea why the fuck we would have to slow down for that, but hey, its New Mexico. Maybe it was an alien inside the trialer, and cars traveling at a fast rate of speed in the opposite direction make it angry? Who knows. Well I’m bored just thinking about the flat ass land around here, so maybe I’ll try to catch some sleep. That is, if baby mama can TURN THE FUCKING AKON DOWN. Bye for now.

About 100 miles west of Oklahoma city now. 10:17pm Central Time, I-40 East, 77 Degrees. Total miles driven today: 746.3, total driven altogether: 1,210. We’re in some hick town called Elk City. We stopped at arbys for dinner. I’m not a huge fan of arbys, but it was alright. Their horseradish sauce is pretty decent, with some jalapenos on my roast beef sandwich it hit the spot. The curly fries are of course godly. Boner is convinced we’re still in Mountain time, and have driven over 800 miles so far, even though I’ve showed him the time on 3 different cell phones, and I’ve shown him the trip odometer which i reset at the precise moment we started moving today. Whatever, believe what you want, but I know the truth.

So anywho, its dark and baby mama hates driving at night, so the glare from the laptop is probably annoying her face off right now, so I’ll probably be back when we stop in Oklahoma City for the night. Oh yeah, Oklahoma smells, and there are way too many bugs here.

It’s technically day 3 right now, but I’ll pretend its day 2 for now, because I have a lot to say about last night. Where should I start? We got in to Oklahoma city, and we were looking for a hotel off the 40. We found a sign for a hotel at exit 145, so that was great. Except we had to get on the turnpike at exit 139 to continue on our trip. It was like 11:30-12 at night and we were just exhausted and nobody was thinking clearly, thinking about the fact that we dont HAVE to get on the turnpike. We could just keep going on the 40 for a few miles, then backtrack to the turnpike in the morning. Well we didnt, we got on the turnpike. 50 cents for each car. No problem, there are lights ahead! We get off the turnpike. 80 Cents each car. We start looking for a hotel, or a gas station, or a 24 hour anything to ask where a fucking hotel is. No such luck. We drive for few miles down this road, turn around, and get back on the turnpike. About 20 miles up the road we see a bunch more lights, and of course there are no signs for hotels. By this time boner is shitting his pants with hissy fit city, and told us “DONT FUCKING STOP UNLESS YOU SEE A SIGN FOR A HOTEL!!!” I’m pissy cuz boner is pissing me off and yelling at my woman, so I see the actual sign (not the road sign) for a hotel and I tell the old lady to get off this exit. We get off and we’re like 10 feet from three hotels. But its a one-way, in the opposite direction. We scream at anything worth screaming at, and go the correct way down the one way. We pull into a shopping center, thinking we can just cruise the parking lot down to the hotels. We see some random ass street sweeper dude, and we ask if we can get to the hotels from these parking lots. He spoke no english whatsoever, and I’m pretty sure he wanted to have sex with one of us, probably me. We continue through the lots, and we get to the first of the three hotels, except we cant drive to it. I jump out, go over the grassy knoll, into the hotel, the fabulous comfort inn. Doors are locked. What the fuck? I dont see any call button or anything, so I go to the next one,the fairfield inn. “Do you take dogs?” (she shakes her head). “Do you know if any of these hotels take dogs? (another head shake). So by this time, baby mama and boner found there way to get into the hotels parking lot, so I tell them the news, and boner insists the third and final hotel, one of those major cheap chains like fairfield, comfort inn, etc, but I cant remember the name, was like 200 a night, even though he didnt ask anybody. So baby mama goes back to the comfort inn, and she somehow gets in there. Maybe she flashed some boobies or something. Anyway, they don’t take dogs. They say the alleged 200 a night place takes dogs, so she goes in there. At this point I’m willing to pay 5 million dollars per hour, just give us a fucking bed. She comes out, no vacancies, no dogs, but they called the best western about a mile down the street, they have vacancies, and they take dogs. SUCCESS! We find the best western with no problems, I check in, the dude at the desk was nice and chatty and all, and the Mountain Dew I drank a half hour or so earlier was kicking in so I was chatty right back. 89 bucks, 12 bucks tax, 10 bucks dog fee. Fuck it, I really dont give a shit. Plus, they had wireless internet! So the guy tells boner where to park the truck, and we get room 100, like literally 15 feet from the lobby, and I find a parking spot right next to the door. So all the drama we had to go through ended in a perfect 10 at the best western. The room was really nice, had working air conditioning, and comfy beds. I grab some ice and fill up my cup with ice cold water, give the dog some water, and hop on the wireless. We check our bank accounts and find that we have…not a lot of money. I IM dubb and tell him what a shithole OK City is, he tells me about the riot at the san diego comicon, and we have a good laugh about the star wars (i know star wars isnt a comic, fuck off) nerds bitch slapping each other while the SDPD shoots tear gas into the crowd of klingons.

I take probably one of the most painful shits of my life, fucking fast food. Then I go smoke our last cigarette, argh. I come back in the room, and we get to sleep. The fucking smoke detector has this god damn beacon of light flashing every 6 seconds right above our bed. If any of you guys have motorola cell phones, you’ll know what I mean by this next part; You know when you put your cell phone next to some speakers, or an alarm clock, or a radio, or pretty much any piece of electronics that has a speaker or some ability to make noise? How it makes that chk-chk-chk-static-static-chk-chk noise? Well, nobodies phones were anywhere near our alarm clock thing, and ever so often it made that noise. I start telling baby mama how they probably put us in room 100 because thats their “Vacancy” (the movie) room. That flashing light is a video camera, and theres another video camera by the alarm clock causing that noise. Man I love terrorizing her. We slept good and then woke up. Day 3 next!